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How to forgive



Forgiveness is something that must be created. If it is thoughtfully and efficiently done, it will change your way of thinking, feeling and living your life. Approaching the challenge with an "I can do it" attitude will motivate you to face the challenge. By taking action, changing your thoughts, moving your feelings, and seeking guidance from many valuable sources, you know how to forgive others and yourself.

[ Edit ] Step

[ Edit ] Making the decision

  1. Think about why you want to forgive this person. Forgiveness is a decision that should be made thoughtfully, especially if someone did something seriously wrong. Take time to think through your feelings and your reasoning to better understand the situation.
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    • You want to resolve your own feelings of anger, confusion or harm.
    • You value your relationship with them and think it is worth forgiving them.
    • They have shown a desire to change their behavior, and you want to try again.
  2. Pay attention to whether they are willing to change their behavior. Have you given them the chance to change by letting them know that their actions are hurting you? If so, do they work to adjust their behavior, or do they do it again without worrying about how it affects you?
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    • For example, say that your sister made fun of your nose, and you told her that it hurt your feelings. Pay attention if she does it again.
  3. Choose to forgive because you want to, not because you have to. Forgiveness should be chosen freely, not reluctantly or under pressure. Forgiveness is a choice you make for yourself, so don't let others' ideas about what you "should" push you to do something that feels premature or just isn't right.
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    • If you are not ready to forgive someone, you do not have to do that yet. If someone pushes you, say "I'm not ready to forgive yet."
    • You owe no one else. If you don't want to forgive them, it's your choice.
  4. Recognize the difference between forgiveness and stupidity. You can choose to forgive someone once, twice or three times. However, if they repeatedly and intentionally hurt you, or if they have done something extremely horrible, consider protecting yourself. If someone has shown that they are abusing you over and over, or that they are willing to do you serious harm, you must protect your own well-being.
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    • For example, you can forgive an abusive father and choose not to ever talk to him again, because you know he would abuse you.
    • For example, if your girlfriend screams at you and then apologizes and says she is working on controlling her mood, then you can decide to forgive her and continue to go with her. If your girlfriend screams horrible abuse at you or hits you, you need to protect yourself and escape the relationship.
  5. If in doubt, take some time. Sometimes it takes a little time to release all your feelings and find out what to do. It is okay. Give yourself time and space to process.
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    • Write in a diary about it.
    • Talk to a mentor or trusted person about the situation.
    • Express your feelings through works of art.
    • Spend some time focusing on something else and come back later.

[ Edit ] Action

  1. Reach out to connect. When life gets busy, it is difficult to keep in touch with friends. When a conflict has occurred to push people apart, that connection becomes even more difficult to save. If you want to forgive someone, then take the first step in the process by reaching out. This act alone will help you feel open and optimistic.
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    • It's always hard to take the first step, and sometimes you have to push yourself. Just say to yourself: "Here we go" and pick up the phone and get in touch.
  2. Ask to be heard. Whether you decide to set up a face-to-face meeting with the person or communicate via telephone or electronic device, the goal is the same: Ask the person time to express your thoughts and feelings about the conflict.
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    • Reassure the person that you are open and willing to hear what she also has to say. This will allow the person to feel more open to the upcoming discussion.
    • If the person refuses to meet you, do not despair. There are things you can do to go against forgiveness regardless of whether the person is following. The act of forgiveness is designed to help you in the end. For example, use writing instead of direct contact to express your feelings and thoughts about the person. Writing in a magazine helps to process your emotions and is effective. [1]
    • Journalizing can help reduce anxiety and stress, as it is a healthy outlet for confusing or overwhelming feelings. [2]
  3. Discuss the question. Some discussions in life are more difficult to have than others. When a conflict has occurred and negative emotions have grown, it is difficult to start the conversation. The goal would be to frame the conversation and guide it toward a peaceful resolution to deal with the damage and disappointment you feel. [3]
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    • First, thank the person for meeting you.
    • Second, tell the person that your goal is to hear each other's side of the story and come to a peaceful resolution so you both can move on.
    • Third, tell your side of the story. Make statements "I" to describe your thoughts and feelings, without accusing.
    • Fourth, ask the person if there is anything else you can clarify for him before giving the details of his side of the story.
    • Fifth, ask the person questions that give you the necessary information to understand his intention, motives, thoughts and feelings.
  4. Sorry for your own mistakes. Most every conflict involves a misunderstanding or misunderstanding of what someone did or said. These are things you need to do to release the tension in the situation. Taking responsibility for your role is an act that promotes the open communication you want and is necessary to reach a resolution. [4]
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  5. Accept the apology. [5] If you have discussed the situation and the person has extended a sincere apology, accept it. Even if you have to force yourself to say the words "I accept your apology", this is a big step toward creating a sense of forgiveness for yourself. Here are some examples of things you can say:
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    • "I accept your apology and forgive you."
    • "I appreciate you saying that. Friends?" [19659009] "Thanks for apologizing. I don't know if I'm ready to forgive you yet, but I will work on that. Please give me some time."
  6. Show your will to move on. If you must or want to maintain a relationship with this person, your behavior must show that you are serious. Your relationship will improve as you go through the forgiveness process. [6] This includes not holding discomfort and taking up the past. [7] It also includes your willingness to laugh and be easier on the person. Moving past a conflict is a huge relief. Let it motivate your actions to be fair and resolved.
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    • As time goes by and progress is made, you may notice that you still allow storage feelings to affect how you treat the person. Maybe it happens during hot arguments or discussions. You may not have processed your hurt feelings and still have some work to do. This is a normal reaction and can be handled by talking about your feelings with the person involved or someone else.

[ Edit ] Change your thoughts and feelings

  1. Practice empathy and compassion [8] Both empathy and compassion can be learned. As with all new skills, you have to practice. If you can treat people the way you want to be treated, you are more than halfway there.
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    • Take the chance to practice compassion while out in the public. If you see someone struggling to get into a store door, hurry to open it. If you see someone who looks like she's having a bad day, smile and say hello. Your goal is to let others feel the influence of your good deeds.
    • Extend your empathy by talking and, most importantly, listening to to people outside your social circle. Try to strike up a conversation with a stranger once a week. Go beyond small talk and try (respectfully) to ask about their lives and experiences. This will broaden your worldview and help you become more understanding of others. [9]
  2. Work on understanding the person's behavior. Fear, uncertainty and an inability to communicate are the driving force for many harmful behaviors. Some people do not understand why they act in certain ways because they have not explored the deeper inner functions of their own behavior. Try to see if you can understand where they come from.
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    • If you don't understand someone's behavior, you might ask them why they acted the way they did. You can also talk to a trusted mentor, or even do a little research on why people act that way.
    • Remember that even if you understand the person's reasons, it does not mean that they have an excuse to act badly. [19659009] Remember that you are not responsible for someone else's feelings or behavior. You can't make them a better person. Sometimes you have to be willing to tell yourself "here they go again" or "their attitude is not my problem."
  3. Ask and adjust your perspective. You have probably had a strong conviction of a situation where you were worried by someone. Many times a person's perspective is skewed and must return to a balanced state. It is important to keep things in perspective, especially if yours is causing you harm.
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    • Is this important? Will I care about it 6 months or 6 years from now?
    • Is it worth my while?
    • Can I jump to conclusions? Can there be circumstances that I am not aware of?
    • Is this question important to me, or should I just release it?
    • Are my feelings or behaviors holding me back from better things?
  4. Try to go from resentment to gratitude. Over time, you work to release resentment and look for the state of progress. Strong feelings are natural at first, but they can become toxic if you stick with them forever. If you catch yourself falling into a trap of negativity, work on finding the good parts. This can help you update things and feel more positive about your life. [10] Here are some examples:
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    • "I'm glad I've finally quit the term, so I don't have to deal with the difficult professor again. She's not my problem anymore. "
    • " I am grateful that my dad and my therapist support me when I leave this abusive relationship. "
    • " I am glad my mother was willing to listen and take me seriously when I said that her criticism hurt our relationship. I hope this will start a positive change. "
    • " I am so happy that I have another chance to find love after leaving a bad relationship. "
    • " I am glad I get another chance with my boyfriend, and he makes an effort to change his habits to treat me better. Things can be better than they were. "
    • " I do not regret having contacted my toxic father .I am so much happier now that he is not a part of my life. "
  5. Make a list of the benefits of releasing hares. Think about how feelings of resentment can shape your life now and how letting go can change things. Here are some things to keep in mind for the list:
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    • I can stop lying awake in bed, playing and playing imaginary conversations in my head. Instead, I'll just sleep.
    • I can stop feeling like a victim and begin to feel the power to control my own life.
    • I can say goodbye to a bad chapter in my life and start focusing on creating a good one.
    • I can focus less on this person's past mistakes and focus more on building a stronger relationship.
    • I can remember what happened without feeling helpless and using the knowledge of what went wrong to help me find and avoid similar problems in the future.
  6. Be patient with yourself. Especially if what happened was serious, forgiveness may not be immediate. This is okay. Keep working on managing your emotions and taking care of yourself. Don't let other people, or any preconceived notions in your head, push you to do something you're not ready for. Try saying these to yourself, or to anyone trying to bend:
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    • "I'm working on moving on, but I'm not there yet."
    • "I need time to work."
    • "I need time to work through my emotions. It's okay to take my time."
    • "I get hurt."
    • "Forgiveness cannot It must happen in its own time. "
  7. Engage in fun activities. You can learn to let go again by rediscovering your playful side. When you play it lets you be free from the negative thoughts you have about a conflict. Play and laughter can help you stay positive and optimistic through difficult situations. [11] Schedule time in your calendar at least once a week to play and have fun.
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    • Fly a dragon
    • Try to move with a new art form
    • Play with a pet
    • Hang with friends
    • Play a board game with loved ones [19659009] Do something that you always wanted to try when you were younger, but didn't come to
  8. Diffuse your anger. Being left in anger and agitation is unhealthy. Processing anger feelings through physical activity or artistic expression are good alternatives for reducing anger, stress and anxiety. Anger must be released to lead you toward forgiveness. Here are some ideas: [12]
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    • Exercise: running, walking, lifting weights, etc.
    • Express yourself through art
    • Meditate [19659009]] Draw up paper from trash
    • Throw ice cubes into a tub to crush them
    • Draw an angry picture and tear it up
  9. Rebuild trust. When we let others into our lives, we take a risk. The same people can betray the trust that you have built up together. An essential part of the forgiveness process is to have someone earn your trust back.
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    • Let the person show you that they are reliable, truthful and sincere. [13] Create opportunities for the person to show you. When you give a little you can get many positive rewards in return.
    • For example, consider accepting the person's invitation to go to a movie. This gives the person the opportunity to show up on time, treat you with respect and feel good. Without your willingness to accept the invitation, you would not testify to their sincere efforts to gain your trust.
    • Consider rebuilding trust in a way that is directly related to the damage done. For example, if they lied about where they went, let them check in by calling or texting so they can tell you where they are.
    • Remember to acknowledge when someone makes an effort to earn your trust. Consider thanking them for all the effort they make.
  10. Estimate the learning experiences. People and opportunities come into your life to learn something. Each experience prepares us to become smarter and more in line with what we want out of life. We learn from the good and the bad.
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    • "I learned that loaning to friends is not always a good idea, as it can damage the relationship."
    • "I learned that not everyone is as careful about things as I am, so I probably shouldn't lend valuable items to people who tend to break things."
    • "I've learned to interview potential roommates, so I can make sure our lifestyles are a decent match. "
    • " I learned to accept ignorance before evil. Sometimes people don't realize that they hurt my feelings. "
    • "I learned that I can count on my dad having his back during a crisis." [19659009] "I learned that I am stronger than I thought I was."

[ Edit ] Seeking help

  1. Find a therapist if you are struggling to manage. If you find it difficult to forgive someone and it negatively impacts your life, it may be time to seek professional help from a counselor or therapist. Therapies designed to promote forgiveness have succeeded in helping people overcome past difficulties and achieve peace and resolution. [14]
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    • Get a referral or suggestion from your doctor, health insurance company or a trusted family member or friend. But if this is not possible, contact your local mental health department for options for counseling.
    • If you feel that you and your therapist do not fit well, look for another therapist. Every therapist is different and finding one that you feel comfortable with is essential.
    • Try a therapist who practices cognitive behavioral therapy. [15] Your therapist helps to investigate and disseminate the negative thought patterns that you have developed.
    • Think of spiritual counseling. Many find solace in seeking help from spiritual leaders who can lead them toward forgiveness. The power of prayer has been successful in healing and relieving guilt and shame, which are motivators for people seeking forgiveness for various reasons. [16]
  2. Set therapeutic goals for yourself. Committed to changing your behavior. In both psychotherapy and physical therapy, you will benefit from setting goals. [17] Participate in the process by allowing yourself to be open and vulnerable. Don't leave the process just because it's going to be difficult. Your hard work will pay off and leave you with a healthy sense of accomplishment.
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    • Identify your goals. For example, would you like to feel more at ease with a family member who betrayed you? Tell the therapist that this is one of your goals.
    • Reward yourself as you reach your goal. Your motivation will increase if you reward your achievements. [18]
    • Adjust your goals rather than give up.
    • Keep setting new goals because it will keep you engaged in life.
  3. Improve your support system. Surround yourself with people who care about you. This includes family, friends and co-workers. Branch out and meet new people to expand your circle of support. You have learned so much through the therapeutic process that you feel resourceful and secure. A good support system helps you reduce stress and can even boost your immune system. [19]
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    • Exploring your interests can lead to joining groups that let you meet new people and experience new situations.
  4. Forgive and accept yourself. Personal fights can make you feel bad about yourself. You may feel guilty for not taking care of yourself in a situation or if you are unfairly blaming yourself for what happened. You can learn to deal with feelings of guilt and shame rather than trying to eliminate them.
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    • If you have chosen to participate in cognitive behavioral therapy, it will help you to examine your thoughts and develop new more effective ways of thinking about yourself. [20]

[ Edit ] Tips

  • Sometimes it helps to think about how others have forgiven in incredible circumstances. Ask friends for support and examples to motivate you to forgive.
  • Studies have shown that forgiveness depends on whether a person thinks he must have an interaction with the perpetrator. [21] You can decide if it is necessary for you to be forgiven.
  • It is never too late, if you are willing, to seek professional help for your questions. Change is not easy, but it is possible if you are willing to make the effort and find ways to deal with your challenges. [22]
  • Licensed therapists are trained to help others learn how to manage struggles that affect their lives.
  • Being honest and sincere when apologizing increases the chance that a person will be forgiven.
  • If you served in military combat and witnessed acts that were not in line with your morals, you will benefit from acquiring self-forgiveness through therapeutic interventions. [23]
  • Add your best mental energies (maybe first thing in the morning) to visualize the new life you want. See yourself in the future as free from this pain and suffering.
  • Remember that you are not perfect either, and was empathic with why the person may have done what he did

[ Edit ] [19659166] Warnings

  • Some mental illnesses hinder a person's ability to forgive. A psychopath may never experience shame or guilt for a crime, which are two factors that justify forgiveness.
  • Unconditional forgiveness does not depend on any act or request of the perpetrator. The act of forgiveness is intended to free you from the rage, depression and despair caused by the filing of a complaint.
  • Forgiveness is difficult, but living with a nag is even more difficult. It can be very dangerous to keep in bottles and can harm people in ways you might not have imagined.

[ Edit ] Related wikiHows

  • Accept an Apology
  • Forgive yourself 19659009] Forgive a cheater
  • Forgive someone
  • Recognize a person
  • Recognize a person
  • 19659009] Identify Abuse of Abuse
  • Forgive Yourself After Injury To Someone
  • Become Positive Through Forgiveness
  • Let Go of Past Hurts

Edit ] References

[ Edit ] Quick overview

  1. [1945 http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-health- benefits-of-journaling /
  2. https: // www .urmc.rochester.edu / encyclopedia / content.aspx? ContentTypeID = 1 & ContentID = 4552
  3. http: //connection.ebscohost .com / c / articles / 86935769 / handle-damage-disappointment-improve-communication -sorry-apology
  4. https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200208/t he-power-apology
  5. ↑ [1 9459058] https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200208/the-power-apology
  6. http: //www.ncbi.nlm.nih. gov / pmc / Articles / PMC3156929 /
  7. http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692
  8. http : //www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1484804/
  9. [1945 http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/six_habits_of_highly_empathic_people1
  10. http: //greatergood.berkeley.edu/pdfs/GratitudePDFs/5Watkins-GratitudeHappiness.pdf.0219659195vard↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/emotional-health/benefits-of-play-for-adults. htm
  11. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1402378/
  12. [1945 http://www.emeraldinsight.com/doi/abs/10.1108 / JSM-01-2013-0005
  13. http://transformationalchange.pbworks.com/f/Forgiveness+in+Therapy.pdf
  14. http://www.helpguide.org / artic les / anxiety / therapy-for-anxiety-disorders.htm
  15. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2802370/
  16. http : //scholarworks.wmich.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1087&context=ojot Chapter19659202achte ↑ http://rer.sagepub.com/content/64/3/363.short
  17. http://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/explore-healing-practices/social-support
  18. http://www.aafp.org/afp/2009/0501/p785.html
  19. [1945 http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886912002620
  20. http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/when-change-hard
  21. http://journals.biola.edu/jpt/volumes/40/issues/4/articles/274 [19659208]
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